Who Are You Becoming?
Why Teens Need to Know Their Values Before Their Job Title
A Year 8 student once told me she wanted to be a marine biologist. I asked her why. She shrugged. "I just like dolphins."
It wasn’t a bad answer. It was honest. But it stuck with me because there was something missing. Not in her enthusiasm, but in the way the question was being asked. We keep asking teens what they want to be when they grow up, like it’s a destination. Like there’s one clear path. But the world they’re growing into isn’t that straightforward. Careers change. Jobs disappear. New ones are invented. So what holds steady when everything around them keeps shifting?
Their values.
Why "What Do You Want to Be?" Isn’t the Right Starting Point
It sounds harmless, but asking young people what they want to be puts pressure on them to name a role before they know who they are. It can create stress, comparison and false confidence. We reward answers that sound clear, like "I want to be a lawyer" or "I want to run my own business", but we rarely unpack what’s driving those choices.
Before they know what they want to do, they need space to figure out who they are.
Values are the quieter drivers. They shape how we show up, what matters to us and where we feel most aligned. When teens don’t know their values, they tend to drift. Or they try on personas that look good from the outside but don’t fit on the inside.
Neuroscience shows us that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that manages planning, decision-making and impulse control, is still developing into the mid-twenties. This means teens are still piecing together how to choose, how to weigh up options and how to know what’s theirs and what’s just been suggested by someone else. Understanding values gives them a compass before they have a fully built GPS.
Values Drive Motivation, Not Just Morals
There’s a misconception that values are just about being a "good person". But values do more than shape right from wrong. They fuel motivation. They help young people stick with something when it gets boring or hard. They help them recognise what lights them up and what drains them.
We see this play out all the time. When students uncover that they value fairness, for example, suddenly that fire they feel in group projects starts to make more sense. It’s not just frustration. It’s a signal. When a student realises they value creativity or independence, their disengagement in rigid classroom environments isn’t laziness. It’s misalignment.
By helping students articulate their values, we give them a language to advocate for their needs and direct their energy in a way that feels authentic.
Real Story: The Jacket That Didn’t Fit
There was a boy in one of our sessions. Let’s call him Sam. Tall for his age. Quiet but observant. You know the type that watches before they speak? That was Sam. In the early weeks, he chose words like "reliable" and "hardworking" to describe himself. Nothing surprising. He thought he had to pick the right answers.
Values often show up in the quiet act of choosing what matters, even when no one is watching.
Then in week three, during a reflection exercise, he shared a moment from the previous weekend. His cousins had come over. One of them made a cruel joke about a kid from their school. Everyone laughed. Sam didn’t. He didn’t say anything either, but it sat with him. He said, "It just didn’t feel right."
That led us to talk about integrity. About how sometimes values don’t shout. Sometimes they feel like an itch. A quiet discomfort. The following week, Sam crossed out "hardworking" on his values list and wrote "kindness" and "courage". He said, "Hardworking feels like the jacket my dad wears. These feel more like mine."
That’s the shift. From copying what we think sounds right to discovering what actually feels true.
Practical Ways to Help Teens Discover Their Values
Use emotions as clues. Ask them about moments that made them proud, frustrated, energised or disappointed. Then gently ask, "What mattered to you in that moment?" It starts to reveal what they really value without it feeling like a test.
Use value cards or a word bank. Let them explore words like honesty, curiosity, fairness or creativity. Group them into categories like "Very Me", "Sort of Me" and "Not Me at All". Pick a top five and describe what those values look like in real life. Ask them where they’ve seen them show up or be challenged.
Name what they do naturally. Notice when they include others, speak up, or go out of their way for something they care about. Mention it casually. “That looked like courage to me” or “You really value fairness, hey?” It helps them connect the dots.
Talk about your own values. Share your decision-making out loud. “I said no to that project because I really value family time right now.” Teens need to see that values aren't just about morals. They are about priorities, boundaries and identity.
Use small moments, not big talks. Waiting for the right conversation can backfire. Instead, build values discovery into everyday moments. A car ride, a show you watch together, something that happened at school. It becomes part of how you see the world together.
The best conversations don’t always start with answers. They start with listening.
How My Brand and Personal Coaching Help Teens Build Identity
At Not Just A Teacher Education, we created My Brand for schools because we saw the gap. Teens were being told to chase success, but weren’t being taught how to define it for themselves. This program is built on emotional intelligence, neuroscience and real-life application.
Throughout the facilitated sessions, students explore who they are, what they value and how they want to show up. They identify their core values, unpack where their motivation comes from and begin to shape a personal brand that reflects their identity. Not a brand for social media, but one for decision-making, self-respect and taking action.
They walk away with clarity. Not just about who they want to be, but with how they can make an impact in society along the way.
For families and students outside school settings, our personal coaching sessions offer a one-on-one space to dive even deeper. Whether it’s working through confusion, overwhelm or a lack of motivation, we help young people get clear on what matters to them and how to take action that feels right, not just what's expected.
Both options give teens more than tools. They get language, confidence and a genuine sense of direction that isn’t scripted or surface-level.
The Take Away
In a world that keeps asking young people to pick a path, let’s teach them to build a foundation first. When they know their values, they can focus their energy on what matters and forget what doesn’t. They develop a clear direction and purpose to how they not just live their life, but how they build relationships. Just imagine not having to wait until your mid-thirties to feel like you know who you are.
If you want to help a teen in your world find that clarity or upskill your own knowledge. Our My Brand program and personal coaching sessions are built for exactly that.
Because before you ask "what do you want to be?", they need to answer, "who am I becoming?"
