Why connection matters so much in adolescence and what parents and educators can do about it.
Think back to a time you walked into a room and weren’t sure anyone wanted you there. You might have looked for a familiar face, checked your phone or waited for someone to make space. Now imagine being thirteen and having to walk into that room every day. Imagine trying to concentrate on the lesson while quietly wondering who you’ll sit with when the bell goes.
Picture a teacher asking the class to get into groups. Chairs move, friends call across the room and one student takes a little longer to put their book away. They’re hoping someone will look up and say their name. By the time an adult notices, they might have shrugged and said they’d rather work alone. It can feel easier to make that choice yourself than to wait and see whether anyone chooses you.
At home, a parent might catch only a glimpse of what that day has been like. A quiet car ride. A sudden refusal to go to training. An “I don’t care” about people they clearly care about. As an educator, you might notice a student hanging back after class or turning everything into a joke when the group starts to shift. These moments can mean different things. Still, there’s a particular ache in wondering whether a young person you care about is spending their day feeling unwanted. You want to help and you’re wary of making it worse.
I think this is where we need to slow down enough to get curious. Who makes this teenager feel welcome? Where do they have to work hardest to be accepted? What happens when they disagree, need help or get something wrong? The answers give us somewhere to begin. At home and at school, we can make changes that a young person can actually feel, from having someone to walk in with to knowing an argument hasn’t cost them their place. This guide looks at why those experiences matter so much during adolescence and how to build more of them into everyday life.
In this guide · Why belonging matters in adolescence · At home · At school · When a teenager feels excluded · Working together
What does belonging actually feel like?
Belonging is the feeling that you have a place with people who know you and value having you there. You can offer an idea without worrying that a wrong answer will change how everyone sees you. You can have a rough day and still expect a seat beside someone tomorrow. That last bit matters. A relationship feels different when you trust that it can survive a mistake.
Adults can easily confuse belonging with being included on paper. A student can sit with a group every lunchtime and still feel like they’re one awkward comment away from being pushed out. Another might have one good friend and spend Friday lunch drawing on their own because they enjoy the quiet. Ask how it feels from their side. “Who can you relax around?” will often tell you more than “How many friends do you have?”
Why relationships carry so much weight in adolescence
During adolescence, teenagers are working out who they are beyond the roles they’ve had in their family. They try out interests, ideas and ways of being with different people. Friendships give them somewhere to practise being more independent, disagreeing, taking a social risk and working out what they value. Other people’s responses can carry extra weight during this stage, particularly when teenagers are unsure where they stand. There’s a lot of variation, of course. Two teenagers can read the same moment very differently.
Think about finding out on a Sunday night that your friends got together without you. The event is already over, but now you have to walk up to those same people on Monday morning. Do you bring it up? Do you act like you didn’t see the photo? When an adult says, “It was only one afternoon,” they’re looking at the event. The teenager is often looking ahead to the next time they have to walk into the group. “Sounds like it left you wondering where you stand with them” gives them room to tell you what it meant.
As friends become more important, the job of being a trusted adult changes. A teenager can want privacy and still want you nearby. They can push back on a decision and still take comfort in knowing you’ll be there when things get messy. Give them a say in how you help. Being able to say “I’ll handle this bit, but can you help me with that bit?” is a good thing to practise with someone they trust.
What the research tells us about connection
Australian research gives us a useful starting point because it follows young people in the kinds of schools our own teenagers attend. The studies ask different questions. Some track relationships over time. Others test what happens when schools change their practices. Reading them together helps us decide what to prioritise and how much we can reasonably promise.
Australian teenagers followed into adulthood
In 2024, Kelly-Ann Allen and colleagues published a study using data from 1,568 participants in the Australian Temperament Project. They examined school belonging at ages 15–16 and mental health symptoms at ages 19–20, 23–24 and 27–28. Higher school belonging in adolescence was associated with lower depression, anxiety and stress symptoms across young adulthood. The measures included relationships with teachers, feeling socially valued and experiences of school life.
That makes the everyday experience of school worth taking seriously well beyond the next report card. This was an observational study, so other influences could contribute to the relationship. It cannot tell us that a particular teacher’s action will prevent later depression. For a school deciding whether student relationships deserve sustained attention, it provides a substantial Australian reason to make room for them.
What happened when Victorian schools tried to change the environment
The Gatehouse Project tested a whole-school approach in Victorian secondary schools. Schools used student survey information to identify difficulties in their social and learning environments, then worked on practices and support within the school. Bond and colleagues’ 2004 evaluation reported improvements in some health risk behaviours, but did not establish a reduction in depressive symptoms.
I think that mixed result deserves space here. A school can make worthwhile changes and still have students who need further mental health support. It also gives us a practical question to ask when choosing an approach. Which outcome are we hoping to improve and how will we check it? A quieter classroom, a student who feels safer and a reduction in depressive symptoms are different outcomes.
What Australian-led research finds across countries
Allen and colleagues’ 2018 meta-analysis brought together 51 studies involving more than 67,000 students. Teacher support was among the strongest factors associated with school belonging. This was an international evidence base examined by an Australian-led research team. It strengthens the case for paying attention to teacher relationships, while leaving open which particular practices will help an individual student.
For example, a teacher who knows a student’s interests, responds fairly after a mistake and follows through on an agreed check-in gives that student repeated opportunities to experience support. These are practical applications of the findings. The review did not test each of those actions as a separate intervention. I’d use the research to choose a direction, then ask the student whether the change is helping.
The wider evidence on mental health and school connection
In 2022, Monika Raniti and colleagues reviewed 34 longitudinal studies and two intervention studies. Higher school connectedness generally predicted fewer later depressive or anxiety symptoms, with clearer evidence for depression. Most studies came from the United States. The review supported connection as a relevant prevention target, but could not establish whether increasing connectedness helps an existing disorder remit.
Meng and colleagues’ 2025 meta-analysis examined 27 longitudinal studies involving 57,074 adolescents. It found predictions in both directions. Earlier school connectedness predicted later depressive symptoms and earlier depressive symptoms predicted later connectedness. For adults, that means keeping two questions open. Is the environment becoming more welcoming and is the young person feeling better? Either answer can show us where more help is needed.
What the parenting research adds
Bradshaw and colleagues’ 2025 meta-analysis examined 238 studies involving 126,423 participants across cultural settings. Parenting that supported autonomy was associated with better wellbeing. Psychological control, including approaches that pressure a child through guilt or threatened loss of affection, was associated with poorer wellbeing. This research covered broader age groups and wellbeing outcomes, so its findings need careful application to teenage belonging.
At home, a useful application is to explain an expectation and give the teenager real influence over how to meet it. You might need a safe plan for getting home while being open to their suggestion about transport. The evidence supports taking their perspective seriously. It does not prescribe a particular number of family meals or guarantee that one well-worded conversation will change how they feel.
Why a promising activity still needs follow-through
Borman and colleagues’ 2019 randomised study involved 1,304 US middle-school students. A brief intervention helped students reinterpret common worries about the transition to middle school and reported academic and behavioural benefits. A preregistered replication published in 2025, involving 604 students in three Texas schools, did not reproduce the main academic and behavioural effects.
That is a reason to check how an approach works in your setting. A reassuring discussion can be useful, but a teenager also needs a workable way to join the group tomorrow. The strategies below translate research principles into everyday actions. Their exact scripts and routines have not been tested together as a validated programme.
What parents and carers can do at home
You can love a teenager deeply and still have a house where most contact happens when something’s gone wrong. That’s particularly easy when everyone’s stretched. I’d look at the last few times you started a conversation. What did you need from them? When did you last approach them simply because you liked being around them? That gives you something concrete to work on without asking the whole family to sit down for a meeting about connection.
Make some of your contact about things they enjoy
It’s easy for most of our conversations with teenagers to become reminders. Shoes. Homework. The wet towel that has somehow become a permanent feature of the bedroom floor. All fair topics, but if those are the conversations we keep starting, we give them very few reasons to come looking for us when they have a choice.
Ask them to show you something they care about and let them decide how much they want to share. You might learn why they spent half an hour editing six seconds of a video. You might also get “maybe later”. Take them at their word and try another time. A walk with the dog or cooking something together can leave enough space for a conversation to happen on its own. If they do bring something up, try “Do you want me to listen for a bit or help you work out what to do?” Then give them the kind of help they asked for.
Find a time and a way of talking that suits them
The first five minutes after school might be when you finally get a chance to ask about their day. It might also be when they’ve run out of patience for questions. Give them a predictable landing. Say hello, offer something to eat or let them know you’ll be around later. If they’re more likely to talk on the way to training or send you a message from their room, use that opening. You can take their concern seriously even if it comes through a text from ten metres away.
If they’ve been quiet for a few days, say what you’ve noticed without turning it into a conclusion about them. “You’ve been heading straight to your room after school this week. I’m around if you want to talk. Would later tonight be easier?” Keep any time you agree on. If they say they want space, give it to them and stay in touch in ordinary ways. Leave them some dinner, say goodnight or ask if they still want to watch the next episode together. You’re showing them that contact is available on a quiet day too.
Give them a real place in the life of the family
Some teenagers connect more easily when there’s something to do together. Let them choose the playlist on the drive, teach you a skill or take charge of a small part of a family occasion. Give them a job that matters and enough room to do it their way. If they choose what to cook, let them make a decision you wouldn’t have made. I’d probably draw the line somewhere around dessert for dinner, but you get the idea.
Make time for relationships beyond your own as well. A grandparent, older cousin, coach or family friend might be someone they can talk to about a part of their life they rarely share at home. Ask who they’d choose and help make that contact possible. A lift to a rehearsal or a regular call with someone they trust can mean more to them than a family activity you’ve carefully planned. You can help build that connection even when you’re having a hard week with each other.
Give them a say where their answer can change something
Start with a decision where you can genuinely move. Maybe the family needs everyone to help with dinner, but there’s room to work out which night or which job. If they tell you the routine clashes with training, change it where you can and let them see that their input mattered. If there’s a firm safety boundary, be clear about it and ask them to help work out a plan within it. “I need to know you can get home safely. What do you reckon would work?” is a fair place to start.
It takes some restraint to ask for their view and then sit with the answer. Especially if it sounds very different from what you would have chosen at their age. Ask what matters to them about the choice. You’ll learn something about who they’re becoming and they’ll get a chance to hear themselves think it through.
Make it clear how to come back after conflict
Suppose you’ve paused an argument because your teenager insulted you. Tell them when you’ll come back to it and follow through. You might say, “I want to hear what you were trying to tell me. We also need to talk about what you called me.” If you cut them off or raised your voice, own that part plainly. Give them a chance to finish the sentence you interrupted.
Keep ordinary warmth in the relationship while you deal with what happened. Offer them a lift if that was already the plan. Say good morning the next day. Small things like that show how someone can take responsibility for their behaviour and still count on being treated as part of the family.
Help them find a way into friendships without taking over
If a teenager says they have nobody to hang out with, ask what kind of company they actually want. Do they miss one close friend? Would they like somewhere to go on a Saturday? Are they sick of being the one who always has to organise things? The answer changes the help you offer. A teenager who wants one person to share an interest with may find it easier to go back to the same small activity a few times than to turn up at a big event where everyone is expected to mingle.
Help with the awkward first step if they want it. Look up when a session starts together, offer a lift or ask if they’d like you to find out who meets new people at the door. Agree on how much help they want before you act. Afterwards, ask about the experience in a way that leaves room for an honest answer. “Was there anyone you’d be happy to see again?” gives you more to work with than “Did you make friends?”
Keep a route back when you’re both worn out
After a run of arguments, the next conversation can start halfway through the last one. A parent might hear a closed door and assume disrespect. The teenager might hear their name called and assume they’re in trouble. Change one part of the pattern that you control. Try knocking and asking when they have a minute. If an expectation still needs to be met, say it plainly and give them a chance to respond. Keep the discussion to the issue you’re dealing with now. It’s much easier to come back into a conversation about tonight’s plans than to defend your character and everything you’ve done since Tuesday.
If a repair lands badly, give it time and make the change you said you’d make. “I’ve been bringing this up in front of your brother. I’ll talk to you privately next time” becomes meaningful the next time you choose to wait. If you want to know whether home feels easier, ask about a specific moment. “Has it been any easier to tell me when plans change?” gives your teenager a chance to tell you where the relationship still feels hard.
What educators and school leaders can do
A student’s experience of school changes as they move through the day. They might feel known in art and dread the minutes between lessons. They might trust one teacher and have nowhere to go on the day that teacher is away. Start with the part of the day the student points to. Walk through it with them, from where they arrive to what they have to do next. The details tell you which adult can make a difference.
Give each student a person and a way to reach them
“Come and see me anytime” sounds welcoming, but it leaves quite a few decisions to a student who may already feel awkward asking. Try something more concrete. “I’m usually near the library before first bell. If you’d rather, leave me a note after class. If I’m away, Ms Singh knows the plan.” Check privately that the student is comfortable with the contact and knows where to go. During a transition to secondary school or a return after an absence, that certainty can matter more than another general reminder that help is available.
Follow through on something small they told you. If they mentioned a sketch they were working on, ask how it turned out. Be thoughtful about who’s listening and whether they’d welcome the attention. At school level, check who can actually name a trusted adult and reach them. Students who don’t put their hand up for things can be easy to miss in an average.
Look at the routines that decide who gets in
Go back to that Year 8 classroom. The teacher could organise groups before the lesson and give each student a clear first job. A student who freezes when asked to speak in front of the room could rehearse with a partner or write a first response before sharing. The next step is a private check. “How was it getting started today?” The finished task tells you how the work went. Their answer can tell you whether joining felt any easier.
The same thinking applies to clubs, camps and school events. Who can afford the equipment? Who has a lift home? Who has to walk into a noisy room alone to find out whether they’re welcome? Ask students where they get stuck and pick one thing you can change. Then tell them what you did with their feedback. If you can’t change the thing they asked for, explain why and work with them on what’s possible.
Make it easier to get things wrong in front of other people
A Year 9 student who says “I don’t know” every time you call on them may be unsure of the work. They may also know exactly how the class reacted the last time they got something wrong. Ask privately what happens for them in that moment. If they understand the work in a pair but go quiet in front of the room, give them time to think and agree on a low-pressure way to contribute. You might let them tell a partner first and ask whether they’d be comfortable sharing that particular answer. The learning expectation stays clear and there’s a manageable way to meet it.
Watch what happens immediately after someone takes a risk. If there’s a laugh or a remark, respond to it and give the student a chance to finish. If their answer is off track, show them which part of their reasoning is useful and where they could go next. The class learns a great deal about belonging from watching how adults handle the ten seconds after someone makes a mistake.
Pay attention to breaks, transitions and the places adults rarely see
Ask students to name where they feel comfortable and where they have to work hardest to find a place. One might mention the first five minutes of lunch. Another might point to a particular corridor or the bus line. If a student is spending break in the library, ask whether they like being there. A quiet lunch can be a good choice. If they’re there because another space feels unsafe, find out what’s happening and deal with it.
When a student starts midyear or changes year levels, give them more than a timetable. Before their first day, agree on where they’ll arrive, who’ll meet them and how they’ll find someone at break. If they want a peer introduction, choose a willing student with a shared interest and give them something concrete to do together. Check in after the first few days and again once the initial attention has faded. That’s when you find out whether they know how to get help on an ordinary Wednesday.
Plan the return as carefully as the consequence
Think about the student who left class after an incident and now has to come back through the door with everyone watching. A brief private conversation beforehand can clear up where they’ll sit, how they’ll catch up and who they can ask for help. Address the behaviour and any harm separately and give them a straightforward way to rejoin the lesson. If you corrected them publicly in a way that embarrassed them, acknowledge your part privately. Students pay attention to what happens after an adult gets it wrong too.
Give students influence and a visible part to play
Think about which students are routinely asked to show visitors around, lead a group or have a say in an event. It’s easy to call on the people you know will say yes. Give students other ways to contribute. Someone who’d hate to speak at assembly might be the person who notices the instructions for the event make little sense to a new student. Ask them how they’d fix it and show them where their advice made a difference. People start to feel part of a community when they can see that something is a little different because they were there.
At a whole-school level, get feedback from students who rarely volunteer for leadership roles. Offer a private written option and a trusted adult they can speak to. Ask about a specific routine that staff can change, then report back in plain language. “You told us it was hard to join a lunchtime activity halfway through term. Here’s how you can try one this week.” If students keep giving feedback and never see it again, the next invitation to have a say will sound familiar for all the wrong reasons.
Give the plan an owner and check how it feels from the student’s side
For an individual student, agree on a named staff member, a backup and one change the adults can make. Be specific enough that another teacher can carry it out. “Support Kai at lunch” is hard to act on. “On Monday and Thursday Kai can meet the library teacher at the side door before lunch club starts” gives everyone a way to tell whether the support happened. Ask Kai what they want staff to know and share what’s necessary through the school’s usual processes.
Review the experience as well as the arrangement. Did the adult meet them? Did they get through the door? Did they feel welcome once they were in? Those questions can produce three different answers. At school level, look for patterns across classrooms and year levels while protecting students’ privacy. Use attendance and incident data to see where you might need to ask more questions. Ask students directly whether they feel accepted, who they can go to for help and what makes joining in difficult.
Make room for the teenager who has to work hard to fit in
A young person can get through a whole school day looking comfortable while putting enormous effort into hiding how uncomfortable they feel. An autistic teenager might want to join a lunchtime club and still find the noise or the unspoken rules exhausting. Ask which part is hardest and what would make it easier. They might want to arrive early with someone they know or have a quieter place to take a break. Let them tell you which adjustment feels useful and check back after they’ve tried it.
Pay attention to whose names, families, cultures and identities are treated as ordinary parts of the community. Learn to say a student’s name the way they say it. Take racist or identity-based comments seriously and protect the young person’s privacy when you act. Where you’re working to support Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander students’ cultural belonging, listen to the young person and seek guidance from families and appropriate local community representatives. One student should never have to speak for an entire community to be heard.
Talk about friendship and online life without turning it into a lecture
When you’re worried about a group, ask what the teenager likes about being with them. Maybe it’s the first time people have laughed at their jokes or invited them along without being prompted. Once you understand what they get from it, there’s room for the harder question. “When you don’t want to go along with something, what happens?” Being able to say no and still expect an invitation next time is worth talking about.
A phone can hold a friendship and a source of exclusion in the very same chat. Ask about the interaction. “Who do you usually feel better after talking to?” or “What happens in that chat that makes you keep checking it?” If you need to change a device boundary, work out how they’ll keep in touch with supportive friends in a safe way. For online bullying, help them use the relevant reporting tools and follow up on what happened.
What to say when a teenager tells you they don’t belong
Start with “When did you feel that most?” Give them a minute. You may hear about a seat someone saved for a different person, a falling-out or months of comments they’ve been trying to ignore. Acknowledge what it’s been like before you work out what to do. “I can see why you’re dreading lunch. Has this been happening for a while?” If they’re worried about adults making it worse, take that seriously. Ask what they fear will happen and explain who needs to know and why before you share sensitive details.
Let the response fit what you find. If a new student is unsure how to join in, a supported introduction and a familiar place to go tomorrow may help. If there’s repeated bullying, discrimination or a threat, protect the young person and use the school’s reporting and safeguarding process. Agree on who will act and when the teenager will hear back. Where there’s fear of retaliation or a power imbalance, make a safety plan with the school and avoid pressuring the teenager into a face-to-face meeting. If distress persists or daily life is becoming difficult, keep working on connection and bring in support from a GP, school guidance officer or another appropriate professional.
When home and school are seeing different things
A parent says their teenager comes home exhausted and says nobody wants them there. The teacher sees a student who completes their work and chats to the person beside them. Both adults have useful information. Put the accounts together and ask the teenager what each of you might be missing. They might be fine in lessons and miserable on the bus. They might feel comfortable with a classmate but spend the whole day trying to hold it together in noisy spaces. Looking for when and where it happens gives you a better chance of finding something you can change.
If you’re a parent, share one or two observations and ask for a specific next step. “They’ve told me they spend most of lunch trying to find somewhere to go. Could someone they trust check in privately and find out what would help?” If you’re the educator receiving that message, give the family a point of contact and a time they’ll hear back. Include the teenager in deciding what’s shared where possible and explain how you’ll handle information that affects their safety. A student should have a clear idea of what will happen after they tell an adult.
A short review can keep the conversation grounded. Give a low-risk change enough time for the teenager to try it a few times and agree on a check-in, perhaps in a fortnight. Ask what helped, what felt awkward and what still needs attention. Act promptly on safety concerns. If the change hasn’t helped, check whether it actually happened and whether you addressed the right part of the day. Sometimes the teenager has been telling you where to look all along and you’ve been listening from the wrong end of the timetable.
Start with one moment you can change this week
At home, ask “When do you find it easiest to talk to me?” If the answer is “in the car,” make some room for that and see what happens. At school, ask a student to walk you through the part of the day they most dread. Agree on one change together, make sure a specific adult owns it and name a day to check in again. “Has lunch felt any easier since we changed the plan?” is specific enough to answer honestly. Make room for “a bit”, “no” or “it helped until Friday”.
I’d go back to that classroom one last time. What would change for the student if tomorrow they could walk in, know where to sit and have a part of the task that someone was counting on them to do? They might still take a little while to put their book away. The thing I’d want to know is whether they feel they can look up and join in when they’re ready. The person to ask is the one sitting at the desk.
For schools looking to explore identity, strengths and values with students, see the My Brand School Program. Our professional development for educators explores how adults can put emotional intelligence into everyday practice.
