A practical guide for parents, educators and school leaders
You can see what they are capable of. That is often what makes it so hard.
They have something worth saying, but will not put their hand up. They want the job, but cannot bring themselves to ask about it. They spend hours developing a skill they love, then describe themselves as useless because of one result at school. You offer encouragement. They shrug, argue or tell you that you do not understand. It can leave you wondering what else you are supposed to say. You cannot do their believing for them, but watching them rule themselves out is painful too.
Building confidence involves more than finding the right reassuring sentence. It means understanding what the teenager thinks is being asked of them, what they believe they can do and what has happened when they have tried before. Then we can help them build enough skill, support and experience to give themselves another chance. Sometimes that begins with a small challenge. Sometimes it begins with changing an environment that has made trying feel unsafe. Knowing the difference matters, because asking a teenager to believe in themselves is very different from helping them find a reason to.
The word I learnt early in teaching that took years to properly understand
I first came across the term self-efficacy in my early days of teaching through John Hattie’s work. Of all the ideas being discussed about what improves student learning, this one stuck with me. The belief a student has in their ability to do something was sitting alongside many of the things we spend so much time debating in education.
In plain language, self-efficacy means: “I believe I can do what this situation requires.” That might mean solving a problem, asking for help, learning a new skill or managing a difficult conversation. It is a belief about being able to act, even when the outcome is uncertain.
The concept comes from psychologist Albert Bandura, whose work explored how beliefs about capability shape what people attempt and how they respond to difficulty. Hattie brought that idea into my understanding of teaching. It took me longer to properly appreciate what we could do with it. At the time, knowing the term and knowing how to help a young person develop it were two very different things. Telling someone they are capable is easy enough. Helping them experience that capability, especially when their earlier experiences have suggested otherwise, takes much more thought.
Why Hattie’s comparison matters
Think about the conversations we have in schools and homes. How much homework should teenagers get? Are class sizes too big? Would they perform better if there were fewer students in the room? These are reasonable questions, and they tend to generate strong opinions. Hattie’s Visible Learning research gives us another question worth taking just as seriously: How much attention are we giving to whether students believe they can actually succeed at what we ask them to do?
An effect size is a number that helps researchers compare how strong a result or connection is. Think of it as measuring different studies with the same ruler. Bigger numbers generally mean a stronger result, but they are not percentages. 0.69 does not mean 69 per cent more learning. Hattie calls 0.40 the hinge point, a rough average across the influences he studied. A number above 0.40 stands out as stronger than average. A lower number can still matter, but it has less of an impact on outcomes. It is a guide, not a pass or fail mark.
In the February 2026 update to the Visible Learning MetaX database, these are the reported weighted average effect sizes:
| Influence | Effect size |
|---|---|
| Self-efficacy | 0.69 |
| Homework | 0.29 |
| Reducing class size | 0.14 |
Let those numbers put the usual debate into perspective. We can become incredibly worried about how much homework a teenager brings home or how many students are sitting in their classroom. Yet in this research, the average association between self-efficacy and student learning is considerably stronger than the average findings for homework or smaller classes.
Teacher workload is another conversation entirely, and an important one. So are the individual learning, attention and sensory needs of students. A smaller class might make an enormous practical difference to a particular young person, even if its average effect on achievement is relatively modest. Evidence for Learning’s review of homework also finds more favourable results for secondary students than primary students and points to the importance of quality, feedback and access to resources.
These figures need some context. They bring together different studies, students and research methods. Self-efficacy is a belief, not a single intervention we can simply deliver. Some of its relationship with achievement runs both ways: succeeding can strengthen belief just as belief can influence a student's willingness to try. We cannot assume that increasing self-efficacy will automatically improve a teenager’s results by the amount in the table, or that homework and class size barely matter to every child.
What we can say is that self-efficacy deserves a much bigger place in our conversations about learning. We pay attention to the work students are given and the conditions they learn in. We should be just as interested in what those experiences are teaching them about their own ability. For a teenager still working out who they are, one difficult task can become something much bigger. “I can't do this yet” can quietly shift into “I'm not someone who can do this”. Our response to that moment can either reinforce the conclusion or open up a different possibility.
Confidence can be quiet and it can be specific
That is also why confidence does not have to look the way adults sometimes expect. A teenager does not have to become outgoing to become more confident. They might stay quiet in a large group while becoming better at asking for what they need. They might still feel nervous before a presentation while trusting their preparation enough to begin.
It helps to separate a few ideas that are often bundled together. Self-esteem is about personal worth: “How do I feel about myself?” Self-efficacy is more specific: “Do I believe I can do this?” Self-concept is the picture someone holds of themselves, including beliefs such as “I am creative” or “I am terrible at maths”. A teenager can have a strong sense of worth and still need help with a particular task. Another can perform brilliantly while feeling that one mistake would make them a disappointment. The support they need will be different.
Nor should we assume that every teenager is destined for a confidence crisis. A large longitudinal review by Orth and colleagues found that average self-esteem remained broadly stable from around 11 to 15 before increasing. Individual experiences vary, but adolescence does not automatically mean falling apart. Start by getting specific. Rather than “How can we make them more confident?”, try “What would they like to feel more able to do?” That gives everyone something useful to work with and helps us understand why the same situation can feel manageable to one teenager and terrifying to another.
Why an ordinary moment can feel so big to a teenager
Imagine knowing the answer in class and still deciding to stay silent. The academic part may be straightforward. The social part might involve wondering whether your voice will shake, whether someone will laugh or whether getting it wrong will follow you into lunchtime.
Research helps explain why those concerns deserve to be taken seriously. In a study by Leah Somerville and colleagues, participants believed a peer could see them through a camera. Adolescents showed heightened self-conscious responses compared with children and adults. The study also measured physiological arousal and brain activity associated with the experience. That does not mean a brain scan can explain why a particular teenager will not join in. It does suggest that being watched can carry a different emotional weight at this age. An adult may see a small request while the young person experiences a very public test.
The adolescent brain is developing across systems involved in planning, emotion, reward and social understanding. The National Institute of Mental Health also emphasises its capacity to learn and adapt. Teenagers are not simply adults with broken brakes and their responses cannot be reduced to hormones or an “unfinished brain”. As they explore interests, values, friendships and future roles, experiences of competence can help them test what is possible. They might discover that they can contribute to a team, learn a practical skill or speak up for someone. Those experiences offer material for a developing identity, without requiring them to settle on who they will be for the rest of their lives.
That gives us a practical starting point: take the social context seriously. Give teenagers ways to practise without unnecessary exposure and make sure the people around them respond fairly when they get something wrong. Before deciding they need more courage, it is worth finding out what is actually making the moment difficult.
Find out what “I can’t” means before choosing a strategy
That often starts with two words: “I can’t”. On their own, they do not give us much information. They might mean “I do not know how”, “I cannot organise the steps”, “I am worried people will judge me” or “Last time I tried, it went badly”. Sometimes it means “I am exhausted” or “I do not want the thing you want for me”.
Try a question that is easier to answer than “Why are you doing this?” You might say, “Which part gets difficult?” or “Would it help if I showed you, helped you plan it or gave you a bit of space?” If talking feels like another demand, offer writing, a message or a few options they can point to.
| What you notice | A useful question | A possible first response |
|---|---|---|
| They stare at the task without starting | “Do you know what the first step is?” | Show one example or identify the first action |
| They can do it privately but avoid doing it in front of others | “What changes when people are watching?” | Reduce the audience and check for ridicule |
| They know the steps but lose track | “Which part is hardest to keep hold of?” | Write the sequence down or use a checklist |
| They repeatedly ask if it will be okay | “What are you most worried might happen?” | Plan for that uncertainty rather than promising a result |
| They shut down late in the day | “How much have you had to manage today?” | Review timing, recovery and sensory demands |
| They say they do not care | “Does this matter to you or mostly to us?” | Find an honest reason to engage or reconsider the goal |
You will know this conversation is helping when you can describe the obstacle more clearly together. “They lack confidence” might become “They understand the work but do not know how to ask for clarification without attracting attention”. That gives you a much better starting point. If they cannot explain it, do not keep asking the same question more intensely. Notice patterns together over time. Ask what was different on a day that went slightly better, without turning that better day into evidence that they should manage every day. Once the obstacle becomes clearer, you can help them try something they might previously have ruled out.
Give them an experience they can believe
In Bandura’s account of self-efficacy, people draw information from what they have managed themselves, what they see others manage, encouragement and the meaning they give to their physical and emotional state. That helps explain why a believable experience can carry more weight than another general reassurance. The aim is not to manufacture a perfect success. It is to help a teenager do something they can recognise as their own progress.
Think about a teenager who wants a casual job but avoids making an enquiry. “Just go in and ask” bundles together several skills: finding the right person, knowing what to say, coping with an unexpected question and managing the possibility of rejection. Breaking that down can reveal a task they are actually ready to practise.
They might first write an opening sentence. Then practise with someone they trust. They might choose to send an enquiry before approaching a workplace in person. The order should fit the teenager and the situation, with enough challenge to learn something and enough support to make a genuine attempt possible. At school, the same idea can turn “participate more” into “prepare one question and ask it after the lesson”. At home, “be more independent” might become “choose one meal and make the shopping list”. Smaller does not have to mean trivial. It means clear enough to attempt.
Beforehand, agree on what counts as the action. If the goal is to ask about a job, making the enquiry is the action. Getting hired depends on other people and circumstances. Do not let an outcome outside their control erase what they managed. Afterwards, ask, “What did you handle?” and “What would you do differently next time?” Their answer is more valuable than an adult delivering a victory speech. You are helping them notice the evidence for themselves.
Watch for a more specific willingness to try, less uncertainty about the first step or the teenager identifying a strategy they can reuse. If nothing changes, check whether the task was too large, too easy, insufficiently taught or simply not meaningful to them. Change one part of the plan before adding pressure.
There is no established magic number of attempts. A 2025 review of adolescent capacity-building programmes found that self-efficacy results were too limited and varied to combine into a reliable pooled estimate. A sensible practice plan still needs to be checked against the teenager in front of us. We should also prepare them for something adults sometimes forget to mention: progress often feels awkward long before it feels rewarding.
Confidence often comes after the frustrating part of learning
Think about the last time you tried to learn something new. You watched someone demonstrate it and it looked straightforward. You gave it a go, lost your place, tried again and suddenly weren't even sure you remembered the first step. A skill that made sense five minutes earlier now felt strangely out of reach. That uncomfortable stretch matters when we talk about confidence. The feeling of being capable often comes after the confusion, frustration and repeated attempts involved in learning, not before them. A teenager learning a new sporting skill, practising a speech or trying to remember something for an assessment can mistake that temporary difficulty for proof they are no good at it.
You see it when they understand a maths example while the teacher is explaining it, then get home and can't recall how to begin. Or when they practise something successfully one afternoon but struggle to retrieve it the next morning. That experience can be deeply discouraging, particularly for a teenager whose confidence is already shaky. The thought changes from “I can't remember this right now” to “I never understand anything”. This is the idea we explore through the Learning Pit in our Sometimes Learning Sucks! resource. The point here isn't to teach teenagers the model or insist that every struggle is good for them. It is to help them understand something they rarely hear enough: feeling confused while learning a difficult skill is not the same as being incapable of learning it.
Learning takes practice, feedback and opportunities to revisit information. Sometimes it involves realising that the approach you were using isn't working. Remembering something after a gap can take effort too. None of that makes a teenager a failure. It gives us information about what needs to happen next. It also doesn't mean we should celebrate every struggle or tell a teenager to keep pushing when they are clearly stuck. Frustration can accompany useful learning, but it can also signal missing knowledge, excessive demands, an inaccessible task or an environment in which mistakes feel unsafe. Confidence is unlikely to grow if adults simply watch someone become more overwhelmed.
The useful question is not “How do we get them to stay in the struggle longer?” It is “What would help them move from being stuck to knowing what to try next?”
| What the teenager is experiencing | What you could ask | What might help |
|---|---|---|
| “I thought I understood it” | “Which part stopped making sense?” | Compare two examples or clarify the missing idea |
| “I knew it yesterday but now I've forgotten” | “What might help you bring it back?” | Give a cue, revisit the example or practise recalling it in manageable steps |
| “I keep trying and it's still wrong” | “What could we change about the approach?” | Model a different strategy or get specific feedback |
| “I can't think any more” | “Do we need a pause or a different setting?” | Reduce the load and agree on a workable return |
| “That finally makes sense” | “What helped it click?” | Name the strategy so it is available next time |
The change we are looking for is often subtle. A teenager might still be frustrated, but instead of concluding “I'm hopeless”, they can say “I need another example” or “I have to practise remembering this”. That is a very different relationship with difficulty. Once they can see that being stuck is a moment in the learning process rather than a permanent judgement about who they are, we have something practical to work with. Sometimes the next step is encouragement. Quite often, it is simply teaching the part they are missing.
Teach the part that is missing
That is easy to overlook. Sometimes we call something a confidence problem because we have forgotten how much knowledge is hidden inside an apparently simple task. “Ask your teacher” assumes a teenager knows when to approach, how to begin and what to do if the teacher is busy. “Start the assignment” assumes they can translate a page of instructions into an action.
Make that hidden knowledge visible. You might write a message together: “I have completed the first section. I am stuck on what the question means by evaluate. Could you show me an example?” Let the teenager adapt the wording so it sounds like them. Modelling can help too. Show a process with an ordinary hesitation in it: “I am not sure what that instruction means, so I am going to check before I continue.” A peer demonstrating a workable approach may also be helpful, provided it is offered as information rather than a comparison that leaves the teenager feeling worse.
Give them a chance to use the skill with support. Then ask what they can take over. Assistance can become lighter as it becomes less necessary, while useful tools remain available. A sign it is helping is that the teenager can identify or use the missing step, even if they still feel unsure. If your demonstration does not translate into action, ask them to show you where they lose the thread. Try a written example, a shorter sequence, more processing time or a different way to respond. Repeating a longer explanation is not always the answer.
For parents and teachers, this also changes the meaning of “They should know this by now”. Perhaps they have heard it many times. That is different from being able to do it under the conditions in which we are asking. When the skill is more accessible, the next question is how much say the young person has in using it.
Give them a real say in the plan
Teenagers are more than the recipients of our support. They need opportunities to influence what happens to them, including how they practise something difficult. A plan that makes perfect sense to adults may feel like another thing being done to them. Research following young people across educational transitions has linked parental autonomy support with aspects of wellbeing and self-esteem. The findings were not identical at every age and do not prove that parenting alone caused the outcomes. They do support taking the young person’s perspective seriously while keeping appropriate guidance.
Try asking, “Which part would you like to handle?” and “What would you like me to do?” If there is a firm boundary, explain it honestly. “We need a plan for getting home safely. You can help decide how that plan works” offers real participation without pretending everything is negotiable. At school, this might mean choosing between two ways to demonstrate the same learning. At home, it could involve deciding when to practise a new responsibility or which adult helps. Check that both options are genuinely acceptable before offering a choice.
Look for the teenager contributing an idea, asking for a particular kind of help or explaining what matters to them. If they reject the plan, find out whether the goal belongs to them at all. Where the task is necessary, be clear about why and invite them to help shape the method. Where it is optional, reconsider whether it needs to happen. Using support is compatible with agency. A young person who chooses a checklist, asks someone to sit nearby or uses a communication aid may be taking more ownership, not less.
Different families and cultures also express confidence differently. Speaking assertively to an adult may be encouraged in one setting and experienced as disrespectful in another. Ask what a respectful, workable response would look like for this teenager and their family. Confidence can include contributing to others, asking through a trusted person or making a considered decision quietly. It does not have to resemble an adult’s preferred style of independence. Whatever form their confidence takes, the way we respond to their efforts still matters.
Make encouragement believable and feedback useful
It is natural to respond to “I’m terrible at this” with “No, you’re amazing”. The intention is kind, especially when we can see that a teenager is being much harder on themselves than they deserve. The teenager may still feel that you have skipped over what went wrong, particularly if they are disappointed in something specific. Research on inflated praise in late childhood found that exaggerated praise could reduce challenge-seeking among children with low self-esteem. That is not a rule against praise and it should not be transferred wholesale to every teenager. It is a reason to think about whether our words feel credible and useful to the person receiving them.
You can be warm and specific at the same time. “You came back to it after getting frustrated” identifies something real. “The example makes your point clear. Now we need to connect it to the question” provides a next step. Neither requires pretending the work is finished or exceptional. If they reject your encouragement, resist turning it into a debate about how good they are. Try, “You are not happy with it. Show me the part you would change.” You may discover a useful self-assessment, an unrealistic standard or something they have misunderstood.
Ask how they prefer feedback. Public praise can feel exposing. A quiet comment, a note or a brief acknowledgement may land better than applause. Make room for ordinary conversations that have nothing to do with achievement too. Young people should not feel that every interaction is a progress review. You may notice progress when they can accept one piece of feedback without turning it into a judgement about their whole self or when they use it to make a change. If feedback consistently closes them down, review the timing, volume and relationship. One specific next step may be more usable than five well-intended suggestions. We also need to think about the meaning they give to mistakes, because even careful feedback can be lost when a setback feels like a judgement about the whole person.
Help them make sense of mistakes without making everything positive
A disappointing result can hurt. An awkward conversation can be embarrassing. We do not need to persuade teenagers that these experiences are secretly wonderful before helping them recover. They are allowed to be disappointed, and we can still help them make sense of what happened. Start with what the event means to them. “You put a lot into that and you are disappointed” gives you somewhere honest to begin. Later, when they are ready, separate what happened from the conclusion they have drawn about themselves.
“I did not get selected” is an event. “There is no point trying anything” is a much wider conclusion. You can explore that difference without denying the disappointment or claiming the selection process was fair when you do not know. For a teenager who sets very high standards, ask what “good enough” would actually look like before the task begins. Agree on a stopping point where appropriate. Otherwise, an assignment can keep expanding until finishing feels more threatening than continuing to polish it.
Self-compassion can help frame this conversation. It means responding to difficulty without adding unnecessary self-attack. An early randomised trial of Mindful Self-Compassion for Teens found promising depression outcomes in a small group of adolescents with subthreshold symptoms. It was not a general confidence trial, so the findings should not be presented as a guaranteed solution. A practical question is: “What would be a fair way to describe what happened?” Fair may sound more believable than positive. “I struggled with the introduction and need help structuring it” gives a teenager more options than “I’m stupid”, while still recognising a problem.
Watch for a more specific description of the setback, willingness to repair an error or a return to something they care about. If they cannot reflect yet, give them time. If every setback leads to intense self-criticism, withdrawal or significant distress, seek further support rather than making them complete more reflection questions. The goal is not to produce a teenager who appears positive about everything. It is to help them respond to difficulty without losing their sense of what they can do next.
Take the pressure off performing confidence
That is also why I am cautious about telling teenagers to “fake it until you make it”. It can sound simple when you are watching from the outside. A teenager may hear that they need to hide their discomfort well enough to keep everyone else satisfied. Outward participation alone does not tell us what an experience is costing them.
Ask about the effort involved. “You got through that. How was it for you?” leaves space for pride, relief or exhaustion. If the activity took everything they had, the next step may be making it more manageable rather than increasing the challenge. This is especially important when we use growth-mindset language. A large US study found small academic benefits for some lower-achieving students, with school context influencing the results. A later meta-analysis found very small average effects and raised concerns about study quality and publication bias.
“You can improve” is a useful possibility to offer. It needs to be accompanied by instruction, resources and a workable method. If a teenager has tried repeatedly without progress, asking them to adopt a better attitude misses the need to investigate why.
Look for learning that becomes more accessible and skills that become more usable. If the teenager appears compliant but dreads every attempt or falls apart afterwards, reassess. A successful-looking performance is not enough on its own. This matters particularly when the demands of a task and the support needed to access it are very different from one young person to another.
Neurodivergent teenagers need confidence that fits how they function
There is no single neurodivergent way of thinking. An autistic teenager, a teenager with ADHD and a teenager with dyslexia may have very different experiences. Their needs can also overlap and change with context. Ask the individual rather than assuming the diagnosis supplies the answer. A useful starting point is to distinguish belief from access. A teenager may believe they are capable of understanding science while finding a noisy practical lesson impossible to manage. Another may understand the assignment but struggle to organise its moving parts. Reassurance will not remove those barriers.
| Difficulty to explore | A practical adjustment to try | What would suggest it helps? |
|---|---|---|
| Holding instructions in mind | Put the steps somewhere visible and check understanding | They return to the steps and need fewer repeated explanations |
| Getting started | Agree on one visible first action and offer company if wanted | They begin with less time spent negotiating or searching |
| Unpredictability | Preview the place, people, task and what happens afterwards | They can identify what to expect and ask more specific questions |
| Sensory load | Change seating, reduce noise or offer a suitable quieter space | They report greater comfort and can access the intended activity |
| Speaking under pressure | Offer preparation, writing, typing or another communication method | Their knowledge and preferences become easier to express |
| Reading or writing demands masking understanding | Use suitable assistive tools or another response format | They can show the understanding the task is meant to assess |
| Difficulty identifying feelings in the moment | Begin with concrete observations or a simple choice | They can communicate a need without having to name every emotion |
These are options to explore, not a diagnostic checklist or a package proven to build confidence. Agree on changes with the teenager and relevant professionals where needed. Notice whether they help in practice. Also be careful about what you count as independence. A student completing work with text-to-speech has completed work using an effective tool. Removing the tool to see whether they “really can” do it changes the task and may remove the very access that made success possible.
If a strategy works one day and not another, compare the conditions. Sleep, accumulated demands, sensory load, uncertainty and task complexity may have changed. Avoid treating yesterday’s success as proof that today’s difficulty is a choice. The aim is greater agency and access at a sustainable cost. More eye contact, quieter movement or fewer visible signs of distress are not reliable evidence of confidence. A teenager saying “I need the instructions written down” may be showing a meaningful increase in self-understanding and self-advocacy.
If an adjustment makes little difference, ask what remains hard. You may need to combine supports, change the task or seek a more individual assessment. The first attempt provides information about the fit of the support; it does not settle what the teenager is capable of learning. Even with useful adjustments, we need to consider whether the young person has enough energy to use them at that moment.
Check whether their body has enough capacity for the task
Confidence is harder to discuss usefully when someone is exhausted, hungry, in pain or overwhelmed. Before interpreting a flat response as a belief problem, check the conditions under which you are asking them to perform. In an experimental study of healthy adolescents, restricted sleep worsened aspects of mood and emotional regulation. That does not prove that more sleep creates confidence. It does give us a reason to take fatigue seriously when deciding how and when to practise something difficult.
At home, a conversation immediately after a demanding school day may go differently from one after some recovery time. At school, a brief movement break, a quieter setting or fewer instructions at once may make it easier to begin. Ask what helps rather than prescribing the same calming routine to everyone. Nerves do not always need to disappear before action. A teenager may be able to say, “My heart is racing and I can still ask the question.” But if they are unable to process what is being said or are becoming increasingly distressed, more encouragement may be adding to the load.
You are looking for a greater ability to engage, communicate or return to the task. If a pause turns into indefinite avoidance, agree on a supported return when the task is safe and appropriate. If returning repeatedly triggers overwhelming distress, investigate further rather than escalating demands. A teenager’s capacity matters, but so does the safety of the people and places where we are asking them to take risks.
Build belonging into the places where you want confidence to grow
Asking a teenager to take a risk in a group that regularly mocks mistakes is asking quite a lot. We should be interested in their coping skills, but also in whether the group deserves their trust. Confidence is easier to practise when there is room to be a learner rather than a performer. A review of school-based belonging interventions found that some programmes improved belonging, with positive relationships and strengths among features of successful approaches. The results varied and belonging is not the same outcome as confidence. Still, the research supports paying attention to what happens between people rather than placing every responsibility inside the teenager.
In a classroom, make help-seeking predictable. Explain how students can ask privately, what to do when they are stuck and how group roles will work. Respond to ridicule when it happens. A poster about mistakes being welcome will mean little if the room teaches the opposite lesson.
At home, keep some connection free of correction. Shared interest, ordinary conversation and time together do not need to end in a lesson about improvement. A teenager should be able to experience being wanted without having to demonstrate progress first. Make room for different forms of belonging too. One close friendship, a community connection, cultural identity or a shared activity may matter more than being comfortable in a large peer group. Ask where they feel accepted and where they feel they have to work hard to fit.
Look for the teenager identifying someone they trust, seeking help sooner or describing a place where they can contribute comfortably. If belonging remains difficult, investigate the actual interactions. Repeated exclusion, racism, homophobia or disability-related harassment require adult and institutional action. A confidence exercise cannot make those conditions acceptable. Belonging also extends beyond home and school, so it is worth paying attention to their online spaces.
Help them notice what online life does to them
Social media can be a place to connect, create and find people with similar interests. It can also be a place where a teenager repeatedly compares their ordinary day with someone else’s most polished moment. Both experiences can occur on the same phone.
A study following 387 adolescents found that associations between social-media use and self-esteem varied between individuals. Most estimated effects were small, while some were negative and some positive. It was a short observational study, so it cannot tell us that every platform is harmless or predict what will happen to one young person over years.
Start with the experience. Ask, “Which parts leave you feeling connected?” and “Which parts leave you feeling worse about yourself?” You could agree to notice the pattern for a few days without turning it into surveillance. Then make a change that fits the problem. They might mute an account, leave a hostile group, protect sleep time or spend more time in a supportive creative community. Harassment needs an appropriate safety and reporting response, not simply advice to care less.
For appearance concerns, be cautious about answering every worry with another judgement about their looks. Ask what they are comparing themselves with and whether someone has made comments. Keep recognising qualities, relationships and contributions that are not appearance-based. A useful sign is that the teenager can identify an online pattern and make a choice about it. If a change has no benefit, revisit the experience rather than assuming they have failed to follow the advice. Severe appearance distress, restrictive eating or major changes in functioning need further assessment. The point is the same as it is in a classroom: understand what the environment is doing to the young person before expecting them to manage every part of it themselves.
What school leaders can change
Teachers cannot create every condition for confidence on their own. Leaders influence timetables, assessment practices, staff support and how consistently students are treated. Those decisions affect whether useful classroom strategies are realistic. Begin with a few ordinary systems. Can students ask for help without public exposure? Are learning adjustments understood across classes? Do staff have time and support to teach missing skills? When a student has a difficult interaction with an adult, is there a workable route to repair?
Review the messages assessment sends. Clear examples, usable feedback and appropriate opportunities to act on that feedback can make improvement more visible. A student needs to know what to do with a result, not only where the result places them. Be careful with public comparison and labels. “The smart one”, “the difficult one” and “the shy one” can become narrow roles that adults keep reinforcing. Describe a current skill or need without turning it into a fixed identity.
Choose a small change and evaluate it. For example, introduce a consistent private help-seeking option in one year level. Ask students whether it feels accessible, check whether staff can respond and look at whether more students get useful clarification. Do not rely solely on how many requests are logged. If uptake is low, ask why. Students may not trust that the option is private, may not understand it or may have tried asking before and received no useful help. Implementation needs the same curiosity we hope to offer teenagers.
The evidence does not establish one school-wide confidence programme that works for everyone. A credible approach includes feedback from young people, attention to unequal access and willingness to change course when the intended benefit is not appearing. The same question applies at home: how do we know that our efforts are helping?
How to know whether it is working
Confidence rarely arrives as a clear announcement. You may notice a teenager attempting something sooner, asking a more precise question or returning after a disappointment. They may still say they feel nervous. Agree on one or two signs that matter to them. Keep the target specific enough that you can notice a change without constantly evaluating the person.
| Possible sign of progress | What it could look like |
|---|---|
| A clearer first step | “I’ll write the question before I ask.” |
| More purposeful help-seeking | “Can you show me this part rather than do it for me?” |
| More accurate self-assessment | “I understand the idea. I need practice explaining it.” |
| Recovery after a setback | They return to the task or choose a sensible alternative |
| Greater agency | They suggest a change that makes participation possible |
| More sustainable participation | They take part without the same level of exhaustion afterwards |
Ask the teenager what they notice. Adult observations are useful, but they do not reveal the whole experience. A quieter classroom response might represent better regulation, fear of speaking or exhaustion. The meaning needs checking. You can use a simple rating if they find it helpful: “How able do you feel to ask this teacher for clarification?” Keep the question specific and use the number to start a conversation. It is not a diagnosis or a score to display publicly.
Look across several opportunities rather than one good or bad day. Also check for costs. If participation increases while sleep, distress or recovery becomes substantially worse, the plan needs reviewing. If progress is not appearing, that tells us to review the plan rather than simply ask the teenager to try harder.
When it does not work at first
An unsuccessful first attempt does not tell us that confidence cannot grow. It tells us to look more closely at the plan and what happened during it. Sometimes the most helpful adult response is, “That did not work the way we hoped. Let’s work out what needs changing.”
| What happened? | What to check | An alternative to try |
|---|---|---|
| They would not attempt it | Was the task clear, meaningful and manageable? | Choose a smaller action or rehearse privately |
| They attempted it but became overwhelmed | Was the audience, sensory load or uncertainty too high? | Change the setting and restore appropriate support |
| They managed it but dismissed the success | Did the adult do most of it or did the success feel irrelevant? | Ask what they handled and choose a more meaningful next task |
| They now depend on constant reassurance | What uncertainty remains unresolved? | Agree on the plan and how to seek help without promising certainty |
| They seem less confident as they learn more | Are they noticing genuine gaps they could not previously see? | Teach the newly visible skill and review realistic expectations |
| Progress disappears in another setting | What changed about the task, people or support? | Practise the transfer with suitable support |
| Distress keeps increasing | Is there a broader health, learning or environmental concern? | Seek appropriate assessment and coordinated support |
Avoid changing everything at once if you can. Adjust one meaningful part, such as the audience or the first step, then see what happens. There is no need to turn home or school into a laboratory, but it helps to know what you are actually trying. Adults can repair their part too. “I pushed too hard then. I still want to help, but we need a better plan” models accountability without abandoning the goal. A teenager can learn something useful from an adult who is willing to reconsider. There are also times when adjustments and practice are not enough, and recognising that early is part of supporting them well.
When the next step is more support
Persistent low confidence can sit alongside anxiety, depression, learning difficulties, bullying or other concerns. If a teenager’s world is becoming smaller, daily functioning is deteriorating or distress is becoming intense, seek help rather than simply making the next challenge easier or harder. headspace advises seeking professional support when anxiety is not improving, is worsening or is affecting everyday life. A GP, qualified mental health professional and school wellbeing team can help clarify what is happening and coordinate appropriate support.
For diagnosed anxiety, treatment may include carefully supported practice in feared situations. A Cochrane review found clearer benefits for CBT compared with waiting-list or no treatment than compared with alternative treatments. This is a different level of care from asking a parent or teacher to push a teenager through distress. Clinical support and practical skill-building can work alongside each other. If there are immediate concerns about safety or the young person cannot be kept safe, seek emergency assistance. Confidence practice can wait. For the many everyday situations that do not require that level of care, the best place to begin is usually much smaller than we think.
A place to start this week
Choose one ordinary situation the teenager would like to handle more comfortably. It might be asking a question, joining an activity, beginning an assignment or making a small decision. There is no need to launch a complete confidence programme at the kitchen table. One useful conversation and one manageable opportunity to try can be enough to start.
Use these prompts together:
| Question | What to agree on |
|---|---|
| “What would you like to feel more able to do?” | One specific and meaningful action |
| “Which part is difficult?” | The obstacle as they understand it |
| “What needs to change or be taught first?” | Preparation, access or safety needs |
| “What would be a manageable attempt?” | A first step they understand |
| “What would you like from me?” | Support that preserves their involvement |
| “How will we know whether this helped?” | One useful sign of progress and any costs to watch |
| “When will we check back?” | A short review at an agreed time |
The next conversation can be brief. Ask what happened, what helped and what needs adjusting. Let a useful experience be ordinary enough that it can happen again. It brings me back to why this subject has stayed with me since my early days of teaching. I first learnt the term self-efficacy through research about what influences student achievement. What took much longer to understand was that confidence cannot be handed to a young person through reassurance alone. It grows when they have opportunities to learn, work through frustration, receive useful support and recognise what they have managed.
We cannot promise that everything they attempt will go well. We can help them learn that struggling with something does not define them, that asking for help is a capability in itself and that there are ways to prepare, adapt and recover. The next time something feels difficult, they have more than our belief in them. They have some of their own experience to draw on.
