What Is Emotional Regulation? A Practical Guide for Parents and Educators
If you have ever watched your child completely unravel over something that seemed small, found yourself losing patience with a student you genuinely wanted to help or heard your own voice getting louder while another part of you was thinking, This is not how I want to handle this, then you already know why emotional regulation matters.
These moments are not usually about a lack of knowledge. Most of us know what a better response looks like when we are calm. The challenge is accessing that response when our body is activated, our thinking narrows and emotion is suddenly driving the moment.
A child is crying because the answer was no. A teenager has slammed the bedroom door after what seemed like a fairly ordinary question. A student has been asked to put their laptop away three times and is now arguing about it. An educator who has been patient all day suddenly hears themselves use a tone they don't particularly like. A parent knows yelling won't help and then yells anyway.
These moments can look completely different from the outside, but underneath them sits a very human challenge: knowing what to do is not always the same as being able to do it when emotions are high.
That gap is where emotional regulation lives.
Emotional regulation is not about staying calm all the time. It is not about teaching children to stop crying, asking teenagers to become less emotional or expecting adults to smile politely while internally wanting to launch something across the room.
It is the ability to notice what is happening inside us, understand how that state is influencing our thinking and behaviour and use appropriate strategies to create enough space to choose what happens next.
Sometimes that means reducing the intensity of an emotion. Sometimes it means stopping yourself from acting on it immediately. Sometimes regulation means doing something that sounds almost opposite to calming down, which is allowing yourself to actually feel the emotion long enough to process it.
Effective emotional regulation isn't emotional avoidance. The goal is not to feel less. The goal is to become better at knowing what to do with what you feel.
What Is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation refers to the processes we use to influence how we experience, express and respond to emotion.
In practical terms, it might look like:
noticing your jaw tighten before you snap
recognising that you're too angry to have a useful conversation yet
taking a short walk before replying to an email
allowing yourself to cry instead of immediately trying to shut the feeling down
helping a child settle before attempting to explain why their behaviour was unsafe
telling a teenager, "I can see you're angry. We can talk about what happened, but we're not going to speak to each other like that"
asking for five minutes before responding to feedback because you can feel yourself becoming defensive
returning to a conversation after you have had time to regulate
Notice what isn't on that list… never becoming angry, never crying, never being overwhelmed and never losing patience. That version of regulation doesn't exist.
Emotion is not a design flaw in the human brain. Anger can tell us a boundary has been crossed. Anxiety can alert us to uncertainty. Sadness helps us process loss. Frustration can tell us something isn't working. The emotion contains information. Regulation helps us decide what to do with it.
What Happens When We Become Dysregulated?
When something feels threatening, overwhelming, embarrassing, unfair or simply like too much, our stress systems can become more active. Heart rate can increase. Breathing can become faster. Muscles tighten. Attention narrows. We become more alert to possible threat.
At the same time, the higher-order thinking processes we rely on for working memory, flexible thinking, inhibition and problem-solving can become less efficient under stress. This is where some popular neuroscience gets a little too enthusiastic.
You may have heard that "the amygdala takes over" and "the prefrontal cortex switches off". That's a useful metaphor, but it isn't literally what happens. Your prefrontal cortex does not disappear because your seven-year-old has just drawn on the wall.
What happens is more nuanced. Under significant stress, the brain can prioritise rapid, threat-focused responding while processes involved in flexible thinking, working memory and cognitive control become harder to access. Research on acute stress consistently shows that executive functions can be disrupted under pressure, although the size and direction of the effect varies with the person, task and situation.
That is why people often say:
"I knew I shouldn't send it, but I sent it."
"I knew shouting wouldn't help."
"I couldn't think."
"I just saw red."
"I completely shut down."
The knowledge was still there. Access to it became harder.
This is why telling someone to "make a better choice" while their system is highly activated can be wonderfully logical and spectacularly ineffective. They may know the better choice. The first task is helping them become able to access it.
Emotional Regulation Does Not Mean Removing Accountability
This matters enormously for parents and educators. Understanding the emotion underneath behaviour does not mean accepting every behaviour that comes with it.
A child can be angry and still not be allowed to hit. A teenager can feel disrespected and still be responsible for the way they speak. A student can be overwhelmed and still need to return to the learning. An adult can be stressed and still be accountable for how they treat other people.
Emotional intelligence works best when we hold care and accountability together. We can say:
"I can understand why you're angry. I won't let you hit."
"You've clearly had enough. Take five minutes, then we'll work out what needs to happen next."
"I understand that you're frustrated with me. You still can't speak to me like that."
The feeling can make sense without the behaviour becoming acceptable. That distinction protects both connection and boundaries.
What Regulation Actually Looks Like
A regulated person isn't necessarily the quietest person in the room. Regulation can look like someone saying firmly, "I'm really angry about what happened and I want to talk about it." It can look like crying while still being able to ask for what you need.
It can look like an educator recognising, "I'm becoming impatient, so I need to slow my voice down." It can look like a child saying, "I need a break." It can look like a teenager walking away instead of saying the thing they know will cause damage.
It can look like a parent saying:
"I am too angry to talk properly right now. I'm getting some water and I will come back."
And importantly, regulation also includes coming back. Walking away indefinitely isn't regulation. Sometimes it is avoidance wearing activewear. The aim is to create space, not escape responsibility.
The Two Jobs of Emotional Regulation
Most advice about regulation focuses on getting calm. That is only half the job. There are really two different things we need to learn.
1. Regulate the Intensity Enough to Think
If your nervous system is highly activated, you may need breathing, movement, grounding, space, sensory input or another strategy that helps you regain access to flexible thinking.
2. Allow the Emotion Enough Space to Be Processed
Not every difficult feeling needs to be fixed immediately. Sometimes sadness needs to be felt. Sometimes anger needs to be understood. Sometimes disappointment needs ten minutes of tears rather than three adults frantically offering solutions.
If every uncomfortable emotion is immediately distracted, breathed away, reframed or turned into a positive, we can accidentally teach:
"This feeling is dangerous. Get rid of it."
That isn't regulation. Regulation includes learning:
"This is uncomfortable and I can move through it."
Both skills matter. So let's make this practical.
Practical Emotional Regulation Strategies That Work in Real Life
1. I Spy, So I Don't Cry
This is one of my favourite quick regulation tools because it doesn't require a special room, equipment or a fifteen-minute mindfulness recording while someone plays rainforest sounds.
How to Do It
Look around the space. Choose one object and name it.
For example:
Chair.
Now find two more objects that begin with the same letter.
Clock. Cupboard.
That's it.
You can make it harder if needed:
"Find three blue things."
"Find four objects beginning with S."
"Find something round, something rough and something red."
What This Looks Like With a Child
A child is becoming increasingly frustrated with homework.
Instead of immediately saying, "Calm down", try:
"Your brain's getting pretty busy. Quick reset. Pick something in this room."
"Table."
"Good. Find me two more things starting with T."
The point isn't to trick them out of their emotion. It is to interrupt the escalation long enough to create some thinking space.
What This Looks Like for an Adult
You have read an email that has immediately annoyed you.
Before responding:
Computer. Cup. Calendar.
Then reread the email.
You might still disagree with it. Good.
Regulation isn't supposed to magically make everyone else correct. It gives you a better chance of deciding what your response should be.
Why It Helps
The exact "I Spy, So I Don't Cry" activity has not, to my knowledge, been studied as a specific neurological intervention, so we should not claim that finding three objects magically flicks a prefrontal cortex switch.
What it does do is give the brain a neutral, rule-based thinking task involving attention, searching, language and working memory.
That matters because stress can reduce flexible executive functioning. Redirecting attention towards a manageable cognitive task may interrupt repetitive threat-focused thinking while, just as importantly, buying time between the trigger and the response.
That space matters. Sometimes ten seconds is enough to stop an emotion becoming an action you then spend two hours trying to repair.
2. The Three-Breath Reset
Breathing advice gets dismissed because "take a breath" sounds irritatingly basic when your nervous system is trying to declare a national emergency.
Breathing is one of the few regulation tools that gives us deliberate access to a system that usually runs automatically. The key isn't taking one enormous dramatic breath. Slow the whole process down.
How to Do It
Take three comfortable breaths. On each breath, make the exhale slightly slower than the inhale.
For example:
Breathe in for about four seconds.
Breathe out for about six.
Do not force the numbers. The aim is slower, comfortable breathing, not passing an exam.
Use each breath differently:
Breath one: Notice.
"What is happening in my body?"
Breath two: Create space.
"What am I about to do?"
Breath three: Choose.
"What response will help most?"
At Home
Before entering your teenager's room after hearing something smash, pause at the door. Three breaths. Then walk in.
You haven't removed the problem. You've changed who is arriving to deal with it.
In the Classroom
You feel your patience disappearing after repeated interruptions. Rather than raising your volume, pause while students are beginning the next task. Slow your exhale. Drop your shoulders. Then give the instruction again.
This can happen in ten seconds. Regulation has to survive contact with an actual classroom.
Why It Helps
Slow breathing can influence the autonomic nervous system and is associated with changes in heart-rate variability and other physiological processes involved in arousal regulation. Reviews also report changes in brain activity associated with slow breathing, although breathing should not be presented as a magic neurological reset button.
The important practical point is this: your breathing is both a reflection of your emotional state and one way of influencing it.
3. Use Movement With a Purpose
"Take a movement break" is advice. It is not yet a strategy.
What movement? For how long? Where? What if you're teaching 28 children? What if your child is already bouncing off every available surface?
Movement works best when it becomes specific.
For Younger Children
Try:
ten firm wall pushes
carrying a stack of books to another room
pushing a washing basket across the floor
twenty jumps on the spot
walking like a bear to get their drink bottle
squeezing a cushion firmly five times
walking one lap of the backyard with you
The objective isn't to exhaust the child. It is to give the body something organised to do.
In a Classroom
A movement break does not have to become ten minutes of chaos.
Try:
"Can you take these books to the library trolley and come straight back?"
"Come with me to fill your drink bottle."
"Give me ten wall pushes, then come back and we'll work out question three."
For the entire class:
"Everyone stand. Thirty seconds. March on the spot. Ten shoulder rolls. Sit."
You can also build movement into transitions rather than waiting until regulation has already disappeared.
For Teenagers
Skip anything that makes a fifteen-year-old feel like they have wandered into a preschool wellbeing poster.
Try:
walk one lap of the oval
shoot ten basketballs
take the dog around the block
walk while you talk
do a short gym session
pace outside for five minutes before returning to homework
A useful question is:
"Do you want to sit here and talk or walk while you tell me?"
For Adults
Try:
walk around the building before a difficult meeting
take the stairs for two minutes
do fifteen squats beside your desk
walk outside before replying to a triggering message
carry something, tidy something or complete a short physical task
take a ten-minute phone-free walk before school pickup
Why It Helps
Physical movement changes sensory input, arousal and attention. Exercise research also shows benefits for executive functions including inhibitory control, working memory and cognitive flexibility, with evidence across children and adolescents as well as adults.
Effects vary according to the type, intensity and duration of activity, so we should not pretend that ten star jumps cure emotional dysregulation.
Movement is useful because regulation isn't only a thinking problem. Sometimes the body needs to move before the mind can become flexible again.
4. Give the Brain an Anchor
When someone is overwhelmed, thoughts can become incredibly fast or incredibly narrow.
An anchor gives attention somewhere concrete to land.
How to Do It
Choose one small physical action you can repeat.
For example:
place both feet firmly on the floor
press your fingertips together
hold a cool drink
touch the texture of a ring or bracelet
slowly sip water
squeeze a stress ball
press your palms into the table
notice the pressure of your feet inside your shoes
You can combine this with a sensory scan:
"What are three things I can see?"
"What are two things I can hear?"
"What can I physically feel right now?"
With Children
You might say:
"Push your feet into the floor. Hard enough that you can feel your shoes. Good. Now tell me three things you can see."
For Educators
Before a difficult parent conversation: feet on the floor, unclench jaw, one slow exhale, then begin.
No one else even needs to know you're doing it.
Why It Helps
Grounding redirects attention from an internal stream of escalating thoughts towards concrete sensory information in the present environment.
For some people, predictable sensory input can also help organise arousal. Importantly, sensory preferences differ substantially. A fidget that settles one child may annoy another. Regulation tools should be personalised rather than handed out as universal prescriptions.
The question isn't, "What sensory strategy is best?" It is "What does this nervous system find organising rather than overwhelming?"
5. Take Regulation Outside
Nature is one of the most underused regulation tools available to us, partly because we have somehow managed to make wellbeing more complicated than walking outside.
You do not need a rainforest retreat. You need a door.
How to Do It
Take five or ten minutes outside without immediately replacing one form of stimulation with another. Do not walk outside and spend the whole time scrolling.
Try:
walk around the garden
stand barefoot on grass if that feels comfortable
sit under a tree
walk one lap of the school
look at the sky for thirty seconds
find three different shades of green
notice the temperature of the air
listen for the furthest sound you can hear
walk without headphones for five minutes
With a Child
"We're both getting worked up. Let's walk to the letterbox and back."
Not:
"Go outside until you can behave."
One is co-regulation. The other is exile with fresh air.
In Education
Outdoor regulation can be built into ordinary routines. A student who is becoming overloaded might deliver something to another room with an adult. A class could complete part of a discussion outside. A teacher on lunch break could spend five minutes in an outdoor area instead of answering three more emails while eating half a sandwich.
None of these solve systemic workload. They simply give the nervous system a better chance of recovering inside the day that actually exists.
Why It Helps
Systematic reviews of nature-based exposure report consistent psychological benefits related to stress relief, mood and emotional wellbeing. Physiological findings, including measures such as cortisol and heart-rate variability, are more mixed, which is worth saying because "nature heals your nervous system" makes a much better Instagram tile than scientific conclusion.
Nature appears to alter the sensory and attentional environment in ways that can support psychological recovery. Sometimes your nervous system simply needs fewer notifications and more trees.
6. Stop Trying to Regulate Every Feeling Away
This may be the most important strategy in the article. Not every uncomfortable emotion needs to disappear.
If your child is devastated because their best friend excluded them, your first job isn't necessarily to cheer them up. If a student is embarrassed after making a mistake, immediately saying, "Don't worry about it" may actually skip over what they are experiencing.
If you have had a terrible day, forcing yourself into gratitude before acknowledging that you're angry may simply put a positive sentence on top of an unprocessed emotion. Sometimes regulation means sitting with the feeling.
Try the Ten-Minute No-Fix Window
For ten minutes:
1. Name it.
"I'm angry."
"I'm hurt."
"I'm disappointed."
"I'm embarrassed."
2. Notice where it sits in the body.
Chest?
Throat?
Stomach?
Face?
Shoulders?
3. Allow it.
Do not immediately argue with the feeling.
"This is what I'm feeling right now."
4. Get curious.
"What happened that made this hit so hard?"
"What might this emotion be telling me matters?"
"Is there something I need to do, say, accept or change?"
5. Then decide what comes next.
Maybe you need action. Maybe you need a conversation. Maybe you need sleep. Maybe you simply needed to cry.
With Children
You do not always need to distract them.
Try:
"You're really sad. I'm staying here."
"You wanted that badly and you're disappointed."
"You don't have to stop crying for me. We'll work out what happens next when you're ready."
With Teenagers
Try:
"You don't need to solve all of this tonight. Do you want me to sit with you, walk with you or give you some space?"
Why It Helps
Acceptance is increasingly recognised as an important emotion-regulation process. Research suggests that people who are better able to acknowledge difficult internal experiences without immediately judging or suppressing them often show healthier emotional responses to stress.
Some experimental findings are mixed, so acceptance should not be sold as an instant method for reducing negative emotion. Acceptance doesn't mean:
"I like this."
"It doesn't matter."
"I shouldn't change anything."
It means "This is what I am feeling. I don't have to fight the fact that I am feeling it."
That reduces the chance of adding a second emotional battle on top of the first one: angry about being angry, ashamed about being sad or anxious about feeling anxious. Sometimes the emotion becomes easier to move through when we stop demanding that it leave immediately.
7. Regulate Yourself Before You Try to Regulate Someone Else
Parents and educators regularly try to help another person regulate while their own nervous system is climbing the walls.
Completely understandable, but also difficult.
When someone in front of us becomes distressed, angry or oppositional, our own stress system can respond. Their volume goes up. Our volume goes up. They become faster. We become firmer. They feel threatened by us. We feel disrespected by them. Congratulations. We now have two dysregulated humans trying to teach each other emotional regulation. This is why co-regulation begins with the adult.
A Practical Sequence
First, regulate your body.
Slow your breathing. Relax your jaw. Lower your shoulders. Reduce your volume.
Second, reduce the amount of language.
A highly emotional brain does not need a TED Talk. Use fewer words.
Third, acknowledge what is happening.
"You're furious."
"That really upset you."
"I can see you've had enough."
Fourth, hold the boundary.
"I won't let you hit."
"We are still going to finish this, but not while we're both this worked up."
"You can be angry with me. You cannot call me that."
Fifth, give one manageable next step.
"Sit here or walk with me."
"Water first, then we talk."
"Take five minutes. I'll come back."
A Parent Example
Instead of:
"Stop shouting! I've told you five times to calm down. You're making this so much worse."
Try:
"I can see you're really angry."
Pause.
"I'm not going to argue while we're both this worked up."
Pause.
"Get some water. I'm doing the same. We'll talk in five minutes."
An Educator Example
A student pushes their book away and says:
"I'm not doing this stupid work."
Instead of immediately entering a battle over respect, try:
"I can see you're done right now."
Lower voice.
"You don't need to explain it yet."
Then:
"Sit here for two minutes or walk with me to get some water. We are still coming back to the work."
Connection has not removed the expectation. It has made returning to the expectation more possible.
Why It Helps
Co-regulation describes the way people influence one another's emotional and physiological states through interaction.
Research on parent-child relationships shows behavioural and physiological synchrony between caregivers and children and links aspects of sensitive, coordinated interaction with emotional development. The science is more complex than "your calm nervous system automatically calms theirs", but the evidence strongly supports the idea that regulation develops within relationships, particularly in childhood.
Children don't learn regulation only because we explain breathing strategies. They learn through hundreds of experiences of being upset beside someone who helps make the moment manageable. Over time, what was once co-regulation can become self-regulation.
Teach Regulation When People Are Regulated
One of the most common mistakes we make is teaching emotional regulation in the exact moment someone's ability to learn it is lowest. A child is screaming and we suddenly decide this is the perfect opportunity for a detailed explanation of the brain. It isn't.
Teach the strategy when things are calm. Practise I Spy at breakfast. Do wall pushes as a game. Let children choose which movement strategies they like.
Ask a teenager:
"When you get really angry, what actually helps? Music? Walking? Being alone for ten minutes? Talking?"
Build a regulation plan before you desperately need one.
For adults, ask:
What are my earliest signs that I am becoming dysregulated?
What happens in my body?
What situations trigger me most often?
Which strategies actually work for me?
What makes things worse?
What sentence can I use when I need space?
How will I make sure I return to the conversation?
A useful regulation plan might be:
My amber signs: hot face, faster speech, repeating myself.
My reset: three breaths, water, five-minute walk.
My sentence: "I'm getting too worked up to answer this properly. Give me five minutes."
My return: come back at 4.15pm and finish the conversation.
That is far more useful than telling yourself, "I really need to be calmer."
And When You Get It Wrong, Repair
You will. So will I. So will every child, teacher and parent we work with. Emotional regulation is a skill, not a personality type. You can understand the entire article and still lose your patience at 7.43am because someone cannot find the shoe that is directly in front of them. What matters next is repair.
Try:
"I shouted. That wasn't okay."
"I was frustrated, but the way I spoke wasn't fair."
"Can we start that conversation again?"
"I handled that badly. I'm sorry."
Repair teaches something incredibly important. Big emotions don't have to destroy relationships. We can take responsibility for our impact without drowning in shame. We can reconnect. And then we can practise a better response next time.
The Real Goal of Emotional Regulation
The goal is not to create children who never cry. It is not to create teenagers who never slam a door. It is not to create classrooms without emotion or parents who remain endlessly patient.
And it definitely isn't to turn adults into emotionally beige humans who respond to every crisis with three deep breaths and a gentle smile. The goal is capability.
Can I notice what is happening inside me? Can I recognise when my emotional state is beginning to drive my behaviour? Can I create enough space to choose rather than simply react? Can I sit with a difficult feeling without immediately escaping it? Can I help another person feel safe enough to regain access to their own thinking? Can I hold a boundary without humiliating them? Can I repair when I get it wrong?
That is emotional regulation. Not permanent calm. Not suppression. Not perfection. It is learning how to find yourself again when emotion temporarily pulls you away from the person you want to be.
For parents and educators, perhaps the most important shift is this. Before asking, "How do I stop this emotion?", ask, "What does this person need to move through it safely and effectively?"
Sometimes the answer is a breath. Sometimes it is movement. Sometimes it is five minutes outside. Sometimes it is another person's steady presence. And sometimes it is simply being allowed to feel sad for a while. That is emotional intelligence made practical.
Want to Build These Skills Further?
Not Just A Teacher Education helps families, young people and educators understand what is happening beneath behaviour, build practical emotional-regulation skills and respond more effectively when pressure rises.
The work is practical by design. No generic "calm down" advice. The aim is to help people understand the pattern, practise a more useful response and build skills they can actually access in everyday life.
You can explore Not Just A Teacher Education's support for families, schools, early learning communities and individuals through the website, or use The Complete Journal for guided prompts that help adults notice emotional patterns and choose a useful next step.
